You Just Discovered that Your Partner Has Been Cheating and/or "Sexting" Someone Else: 6 Suggestions on How to Cope
Many couples and individual clients come to therapy after experiencing a partner betrayal; it is more common than we like to acknowledge and occurs even between the “happiest” of partners. Why does this happen? And what can we do about it?
For many if not most of the clients I have worked with, more often than not betrayal or cheating behaviors manifest online. This could be recently related to the pandemic—pornography use for example has increased tremendously. Even before the pandemic however I often found myself working with an individual or couple wherein one partner had not actually carried on a physical relationship with someone else. While the betrayal may have only involved texting or sending videos/pictures to one another, the impact on the other partner remains the same and can be tremendously harmful.
At this time you are probably feeling a variety of intense and overwhelming emotions. To make matters worse it can feel daunting to open up to others for fear they will demonize your partner and encourage you to break things off. So, what now? Here are some helpful tips based on my experience as a therapist. These are simply suggestions and are certainly no replacement for therapy; below I have included the best ways to find the right therapist for you and your partner.
1. Communicate with your partner actively around the betrayal. Scream, yell, fight. That’s all okay. During this period of time express and communicate everything you feel rather than putting on a pretense or using passive aggressive communication. If you’re noticing yourself really leaning into the sarcastic and biting comments—or noticing attempting to “get back” or jab at your partner in passive ways, take a second and take a breath. Notice what emotion is coming up for you. If its anger? Get mad. Let yourself feel and communicate what you’re feeling.
2. Talk to friends and family and set boundaries while doing so. You may want to leave your partner, you may not, or you may feel torn about what to do next. All of those reactions are valid and common. Your friends and family will want to give you advice and they will blame your partner for hurting you. Just be mindful to let others know how you’re feeling. Sometimes it may be helpful to say something like “Right now I just need you to hear me” or “I haven’t made a choice one way or the other if I’m going to stay in the relationship and what I need is for you to just hear me out. I want to hear your opinion, but I also need to know you’ll be there for me either way.”
3. Think about what you want, rather than focusing on what others will think. Cheating and infidelity in our society are treated with scorn and so it is likely that at some point, someone will tell you to leave your partner. You may feel judged by others for staying and feel belittled about your choice. There is nothing “weak” about remaining with someone who has hurt you, in fact it is often the more difficult choice. What is most important is not isolating yourself. Talk to loved ones, a therapist, or even a community online. Explore your feelings as much as you can and give them space.
4. Remember that you don’t have to make a decision right now. You don’t. Neither does your partner. It’s ok to be for a while and see what happens. Take some time for yourself, or yourselves, and notice where your emotions take you. At this time it also may be helpful to contact a professional for couples counseling.
5. Be honest with yourself about your expectations of your partner. A common result of cheating in a relationship is that one partner will try to find safety and solace in controlling the other one. There are strategies that can feel helpful and connecting for both of you (for example, increasing quality time, checking in throughout the day, communicating more often). If, however, you find yourself checking your partner’s phone constantly, checking your partner’s location/GPS, or restricting your partner’s time with others— try to check in with what you’re feeling. Does the checking behavior really reduce your anxiety? More importantly, is it a realistic and sustainable expectation that your partner can meet all of the time? If no, put a cap on it. Give yourself some time to ‘scratch the itch’ and work on letting go. If your partner is happy to participate in any of the above, talk together about the future and when the expectations will change. You cannot control your partner and truthfully, the only way through is with trust. This requires vulnerability which for you means relinquishing control eventually.
6. Find a couples counselor. As I mentioned, seeking professional help is always a good option. You can simply search “infidelity betrayal therapy” or “cheating therapy” on Google and likely find someone in your area. You can also find EFT-certified and Gottman certified therapists at https://members.iceeft.com/member-search.php and https://www.gottman.com/couples/find-a-therapist/. Finally, you can reach out to me directly at www.isoldesundet.com/getstartedotday. I practice Emotionally-Focused Couples therapy which helps partners explore their underlying emotions and communicate better.
Isolde Sundet is a psychotherapist and aspiring writer/decent human. Find her here.