Why You Should Stop Arguing with Your Friends on Social Media
A couple of months ago I impulsively sent a message to a friend on social media after she posted something I felt was insensitive. I didn’t think my message through. I ruminated about the anger it brought up and pep-talked my way into convincing myself that sending the message was the right thing to do, but I didn’t take a second to think about what I was actually feeling or what my intention was in sending it. The result was that the other person became defensive, which made me feel defensive, and it took a while and a lot of introspection to work out. This exchange still sits with me months later.
The phenomenon of social media has changed the way we communicate forever. It doesn’t have to be for the worse if we can learn how to adapt social media to human exchanges rather than adapting to it. Have you sent a similar text message or DM to someone? What happened? How often do you look back at the messages you sent while you were feeling angry or upset and think “yeah, I’d do it again the exact same way.” You probably wouldn’t. The reason? You were in distress in that moment and when we are in distress it is difficult to communicate our feelings. It’s even more difficult to communicate them when we are restricted to typing out our feelings on tiny screens.
Distress tolerance refers to a therapeutic intervention created by Dr. Marsha Linehan, the psychologist who developed Dialectical-Behavioral Therapy. It sounds simple but is actually more complex than you might think. Distress tolerance is hard. It is not easy to sit with uncomfortable and negative emotions. More and more we are learning to use short- term distractions to manage these feelings. Ultimately however, these strategies fail us.
Think about the last time you felt upset with a friend. Likely you texted rather than called them, or texted someone else about the conflict. You might have even posted about it on your social media account. You’re feeling hot. Your face is flushed. Many of us are flooded with these or similar physiological reactions when we’re feeling hurt, angry, embarrassed, ashamed, confused, or misunderstood.
When we’re facing these emotions it can be enticing to utilize a distraction that is available to us 24/7: Instagram and Facebook. Usually however it is never a good idea to use social media to offset negative emotionality. Why?
Social media limits our ability to remain present and therefore process emotion
Reactions are inherently heightened because communication is rapid and terse
We cannot empathize properly on social media
Research has shown that within electronic communication dyads, our capacity for empathy is limited. When we attempt to ameliorate our negative emotions through posting a story on Instagram or even texting a friend and not calling, we cheat ourselves out of fully processing our emotions and allowing for full and empathic communication. Instead, we impulsively send a text, turn to social media, and immediately receive an influx of stimuli that triggers more emotional flooding. We are validated by strangers and friends alike, which usually looks like some variation of: you’re right, and you’re the better person. These momentary jolts of dopamine are unmatched however by any negative feedback received that triggers what was likely insecurity and defensiveness in the first place. And so the cycle continues and the end result is that you likely never confronted the person you had an issue with in the first place. Your emotions and reactions were never fully processed, and now you may be facing a rupture or end to a friendship.
Before social media, even texting, when we had issues with a friend or a peer, we had little choice but to face them. Remember those awkward encounters in school or work when you had no choice but to deal with uncomfortable conversations? Now we turn to our phones for validation that we are right, and that the other person doesn’t deserve our time and energy. In the end, we’re more isolated than we were before. Try calling a friend or meeting face to face next time you’re upset. I can guarantee that most of the time you’ll find yourself feeling much better than if you had sent a quick message or DM.
Isolde Sundet is a psychotherapist and aspiring writer/decent human. Find her here.