What is 'Toxic Positivity' And How Does it Impact Our Friendships?

Peruse your Instagram or Facebook for more than 15 minutes, and there’s a good chance you’ll encounter the following sentiment: Say goodbye to toxic people and friends in 2021. The phraseology usually looks like: If someone ever makes you feel bad, that’s on them, and that’s not the kind of energy you need in your life. Sometimes you’ll find this advice summarized in a aesthetically pleasing text-box post on a therapist Instagram page above: ways to promote self- care or resolutions for the new year. Other times you’ll see it described in a front-facing monologue from life coaches, therapists, and celebrities alike. You might even hear it from a friend you are close to or used to be close to: “I don’t have time for negativity.”

These sentiments trouble me for a few reasons. The vagueness of “toxic” and “negative” often appear to disguise what is really being described: emotional suffering. Depression and anxiety—something we all have experienced to some degree—are increasing at clinical levels. Suicidal ideation has been on the rise for years. People experiencing depression often feel alienated and isolated, in part, due to self-blame and self-directed anger as a result of thoughts that promote self-loathing (i.e. nobody likes me). The other reason? We are increasingly alienating our friends and family members who are struggling.   

 We all have experienced sadness and hopelessness at one time or another—and yet, the messaging that we consistently get is that we should be happy, all of the time.

In the last couple of years working as a therapist I’ve noticed one consistent theme that continues to come up in sessions. What I realized was: so many of us don’t know how to tolerate distress anymore. We especially don’t know how to tolerate it when the distress is triggered by our friends. Relationships are not just about celebrating wins and offering validation. If they were, we’d never be able to make meaningful connections with anyone.

Codependency takes active work to battle for many people and in many scenarios it is appropriate to end relationships. For people of color, opting to end racist relationships can be an exercise in self -protection and is necessary for avoiding compounding trauma. We may choose to end relationships because a family member or a friend is consistently and intentionally harming us, if we are being abused, or the other person is unable to recognize and respect our personal boundaries after we’ve communicated them. These decisions however take time to think through and process. There is a social and emotional cost to ending a relationship or friendship. When the decision is arrived at impulsively, it is not unlikely that we may find ourselves in a similar relational pattern down the road with someone else. I’m not advocating remaining in relationships that have lost genuine connection, mutuality, and respect.  What I am asking is: How realistic is it to hold friendships to a higher standard than even our romantic partners? More importantly, what do we lose when we cut off a relationship because someone upset us?  More and more, clients don’t come to me asking for help processing a recent confrontation. They come to me asking how to deal with the repercussions of not being able to confront a person who hurt them.

 Next time you find yourself in an impassioned argument with a friend consider the following questions before you leave the relationship:

1.     Do I think and feel that this person probably won’t change?

2.     Do I want them to change?

3.     What am I bringing into this dynamic? What are my expectations of how the other should act?

4.     How do I feel most of the time when engaging with this person?

5.     Am I simply uncomfortable when confronted by this person or am I feeling anxious, distressed, lonely or scared?

Take some time to sit with some of these questions and consider what they bring up for you. Sometimes the healthy choice is to leave. Often however, it is to be honest and open about what we’re feeling. If someone says something that makes you uncomfortable or defensive, sit with it for a while. It may lead you somewhere important. It’s usually not wise to make any big decisions in our lives based on our comfort alone. The same applies to our relationships.

Isolde Sundet is a psychotherapist and aspiring writer/decent human. Find her here.