Is My Loved One a Narcissist?
Many of my clients worry that their partner, parent, close friend, or boss is a narcissist. Having a narcissistic personality in your life can be taxing, exhausting, and confusing. So how can you determine if someone in your life is truly narcissistic and furthermore, what are your options in coping with this relationship and navigating many of the issues that may come with having a ‘narcissist’ in your life?
A helpful first step is understanding what subclinical narcissism is vs. the psychological disorder that is diagnosable. Narcissistic personality disorder is a personality disorder and it is rare. Narcissism however as a personality trait or construct, is common. In fact healthy narcissism refers to the degree that we all are narcissistic; evolutionarily speaking, it is beneficial for us to worry about ourselves.
When narcissism is malignant or when someone truly suffers from NPD, their actions can have a profound effect. If you have ever dated someone with NPD you may have felt belittled, ignored, gaslit or manipulated. You also may have felt inextricably drawn to this person. People who are narcissistic tend to attract those who want to elicit closeness from them. You may have felt elated and infatuated with you partner during some periods, only to feel isolated and lonely in the relationship the rest of the time. If you suspect your partner may suffer from NPD, consult the clinical definition of the disorder below. The DSM-V or Diagnostic Manual of Statistical Disorders is what therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists use to diagnose personality disorders. There are 9 traits associated with narcissistic personality disorder and to be diagnosed, a person must meet at least 5 of the following criteria and they must be present consistently for at least one year. Finally, it’s important to remember the limitations of this diagnosis. For example, the majority of research on this personality disorder has been conducted with young, white, college students.
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
Requires excessive admiration.
Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).
Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).
Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Look out for a following post in which I’ll discuss ways to cope with a narcissistic personality. If you are worried that your loved one is narcissistic, you can always seek therapy for yourself or couples therapy to help your relationship. You can head here to schedule an appointment with me, or you can consult the following websites to find a therapist in your area: zoc doc, psychology today, zencare.
Isolde Sundet is a psychotherapist and aspiring writer/decent human. Find her here.