You Have or are Thinking About Having Sex with Someone Who is Not Your Partner: 3 Questions to Ask Yourself

To preface: fantasizing, having a crush on, or flirting with someone who is not your partner is not the same thing as an affair. In my opinion, fantasizing or understanding your relationship to, what sex and relationships expert Esther Perel calls “the third” is healthy. At the point that these thoughts and feelings grow strong enough that you are noticing them impacting your relationship however, it may be wise to examine what is happening. For those of you who are thinking about or have had sex outside of your ‘primary relationship’ and are feeling conflicted about your actions, the goal here is to understand yourself and your desires better.

Ask yourself the following questions and try to practice honesty and openness to your reactions, whatever they are.

Do I want a monogamous relationship with my partner?

For most people who think about sex with others or have strayed outside of the primary relationship, the answer is yes. If the answer is no, it may be time to reevaluate what you want from your partner. Whether that means staying together in a non-monogamous partnership or separating, at the very least communication about needs is paramount.

What is involved in my fantasy of the other?

If you are thinking about cheating on your spouse/partner: what specifically is involved in this fantasy? If it is purely sexual, what or who is involved in that sexual fantasy? If it is sexual and emotional, or purely emotional, what would it feel like to receive attention from someone else? It may be helpful to consider: do I want to feel wanted by someone else independently? Or perhaps do I actually want my partner to know that I am desirable to someone else?

When do I feel the most fulfilled/’alive’?

Sometimes the desire for sex with someone who is not your partner is indicative of a deeper desire for novelty, overall, in life. Think about the times in your life when you felt the most joyful, carefree, and invigorated. Likely these moments involved doing something you love or being with the people in your life that you love the most. Will sex—independent of anything else—fill this craving or desire? Maybe, or maybe not. At the very least it is important to consider what it is that you are hoping to accomplish, or what it is you are hoping to feel.

Once you get clear on the answers to the above questions, consider how you might feel after straying outside of your relationship as well as how you might feel if you choose not to. It may be helpful to really sit with whatever thoughts and emotions come up. It’s not helpful to judge yourself for whatever internal response you have—remember thoughts and feelings are just that, thoughts and feelings. Often they have nothing to do with what we actually want to do, or what we choose to do. The goal here is not to assume that our thoughts and feelings dictate our desires, though they will inform you about what is going in the present moment. Now that you have considered how you would feel in both scenarios—consider how long this feeling would last. Maybe you identified that if you spent time with someone else outside of your relationship you would anticipate feeling excitement, feeling alive, feeling desired. Now consider: how long would that feeling last? If you have already initiated a relationship—how long might these feelings continue to last?

Reflect on these questions and your desire for monogamy with your current partner. If your dissatisfaction is really more about you than your partner, as it is for many people, it may be helpful to consider what you can change in your life that doesn’t involve secrecy. Perhaps this means expanding solo/independent activities and expanding your sense of self confidence and agency outside of your partner. It may mean traveling on your own for example—not to have an affair, but to reestablish your independence and yes, desirability outside of your relationship—physically, intellectually, and emotionally. We all want to be desired by others who are not our partners and simultaneously most of us do not actually have affairs. What may seem contradictory is actually complimentary—it is the act of choosing our primary partners every day while also acknowledging our own desires, needs, and fantasies that defines intimacy. The goal is to be able to effectively communicate our needs to our partners.  

Sometimes the desire may be for the relationship to end, or for the freedom to pursue a relationship with someone else. For some people affairs reflect a deeper, at times even irreparable conflict in the primary relationship. Returning to the question of what you want and how you feel about what you want, is one of the first steps in understanding desire, motivation, and ourselves, better.