What is Co-Dependency Really?

Like ‘gas-lighting’ co-dependency is one of those terms that can take on a myriad of different meanings depending on who you’re talking to.

In pop culture and in every day conversation “co-dependent” is often exchanged for “needy” and is incorrectly used to describe relationships that are actually enmeshed, not co-dependent.

Codependency as a psychological term originated in alcoholism and addiction treatment when counselors began noticing a trend with people seeking help for substance abuse. The people struggling with addiction tended to be married to or in relationships with people who were not alcoholics or addicts. Within these relationships, the non-alcoholic often took up the role of caretaker. Subsequently, a theory emerged that the non-alcoholic was essentially ‘addicted’ to the role of being the one that the alcoholic depended on, hence the term co-dependence.

Researchers began studying co-dependency as a behavior and also as a personality construct. Some researchers posited that people who are co-dependent share similar traits. Partners and spouses of alcoholics tended to be quite functional themselves. Many were successful, high-achieving, and described as “having it all together” at least in the eyes of the people around them. They also tended to struggle with identifying their own feelings, while at the same time demonstrated an uncanny ability to understand and attune to the emotions of their partners. Sometimes they enabled their partners through attempting to mitigate the harms that arose from drinking and using (covering and/or lying for them for example) and sometimes they made no such effort, and condemned the addict’s behavior, while remaining in the relationship. Despite describing the relationship as one that was ultimately disappointing, most stayed. Many talked about wanting more from their partners, who could be unreliable or emotionally unavailable. Others felt manipulated or abused but also struggled with ambivalence around leaving their partners.

The interesting quandary for people in co-dependent relationships is: why stay? For people who are co-dependent, there is often a (usually unconscious) avoidant attachment style. The partner’s addiction makes it very difficult for them to reciprocate emotionally, physically, financially, and this power differential can feel familiar to someone who is uncomfortable with intimacy, struggles to ask for they want directly in a relationship, or who fears that closeness will inevitably cause hurt.

Co-dependence is about “fixing” the other so that we may avoid our own feelings. Some people who gravitate towards the role of co-dependent experienced alcoholism and/or addiction in their own families. People who grew up with an alcoholic parent or guardian sometimes find themselves in romantic relationships with partners whose behavior mirrors that of the authority figure from their childhood. Like personality structure, human behavior tends to remain relatively consistent throughout the lifetime, and is shaped by early experiences. If early on we learned to adapt to a parent that was inconsistently emotionally available, when we enter adulthood and meet partners who can’t meet our needs the instinct is not to leave, but to enter a relationship that may feel disappointing but may also feel familiar, connecting, or even safe.

If you feel you would benefit from learning more about co-dependency, or are currently in a relationship with an alcoholic or addict, head to Al-Anon (https://al-anon.org/) and Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (https://adultchildren.org/) to learn more and find support groups in your area.