Why Dating Apps Can Be Limiting

I talk about dating apps with my clients about once a week, sometimes more. Most of my clients live in New York City or Austin, TX and many of them are single and braving the world of online dating. Interestingly I hear the same complaints from my clients who are looking for serious relationships as my clients who are interested in more casual relationships which is: I’m not satisfied.

We all have married friends who have met on Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, or Hinge. Niche apps that target a specific audience are becoming more and more popular. Raya is the “exclusive” app that at least in the past, attracted celebrities and influencers. Jdate helps Jewish people find relationships. Match.com is for our parents, and LOOSID is for people who don’t drink. Of course the idea behind these apps isn’t really new. Black People Meet and Farmers.com are websites that have been around for decades. But while dating websites have existed for years, dating apps have taken off in the past 10 years and now are probably as common as owning an iPhone or using Instagram. Even if you’re currently not using an app, at some point you probably created a profile.

I’m not against dating apps. I’ve used them. I encourage clients to get on them just as much as I encourage clients to get off of them. To explain what I mean: I encourage the use of dating apps often for folks who are avoidant, or tend to be judgmental of others. Dating apps is a great way for some people to work on their social anxiety or meet people after moving to a new city.

What I have noticed is the probability that something gets lost when we only meet people online. Expectations become baked in for short encounters with strangers. Approaching every first date with the thought could this be my person? gives everything and everyone such gravitas, and not always in a good way. Suddenly the date becomes more about our own feelings and experience than getting to know the person in front of us. Filtering on apps eliminates the chance that it will be anything close to organic. I used to think people were being judgmental and short-sighted when they would write someone off after looking at a profile or going on a date. Now I wonder if their judgment is simply astuteness. If we’re only going on dates with people who are around our age, live in the same city and even the same neighborhood as us, use the same dating app, attend similar colleges and do similar activities, maybe our sense of familiarity is earned. Familiarity can be great but it can also make things that much more disappointing when we walk away feeling empty.

My practical advice is to do a bit of everything. Meet people who aren’t like you. I encourage many clients to join a sports league , go on an adventure , or do something solo. Dating is hard enough and doing it online has made it both more convenient and excruciating simultaneously.