What I Learned in Therapy as a Therapist

In therapist jargon we have something called “self-disclosure.” Self-disclosure refers to the therapeutic technique of the therapist disclosing something personal in session. The goal is often to build rapport, or universalize a client’s experience. Other times it’s to help clients who struggle with emotional connection to build empathy and compassion. When done incorrectly however it can make clients feel awkward or worse, unheard.

Years ago when I worked for a private practice one of the things a client shared with me when I left is that while he felt our work together was very helpful, he had realized in our last session that he had “no idea” who I was as a person. Since then I have tried to bring more of my personality into the room with clients. My hesitation is partially due to fear of alienating clients but also a learned occupational hazard—most of my clinical training took place with mandated clients where strict boundaries were necessary.

In my own practice I have found myself sharing similar self disclosures with clients. I have disclosed that I myself was in therapy and recently, found myself sharing experiences with that therapist that I found helpful. I have realized that sharing what I learned in my own experience as a client, and contextualizing what I learned, has been a powerful thing.

I’ve been pondering my relationship with my therapist—who is also a colleague—and how our relationship ended. I think one of the hardest things to do is end a therapeutic relationship, even if the time has come and there isn’t much more to explore in therapy. Personally I detest goodbyes and have a hard time letting go of people and the way I left therapy is a clear reflection of that. I discovered a relationship pattern of mine that played out in real time while I was in therapy and that I did not want to face at the time. I’ve learned that anything my therapist said that really bothered me, or that I felt was wrong, had at least a kernel of truth in it. This is not to say therapists are always right (because a lot of the time they aren’t) but my therapist did see things that even I was reluctant to admit to myself. Even if I was misunderstood by her, it was nearly impossible for me to articulate this in a way that was direct and made sense. That’s the other thing I took away from therapy. That so much of relationships are about simply stating what it is that you want and what you feel regardless of how the other person reacts. I feared her judgment but more importantly, didn’t trust my own. She taught me again and again to trust myself.

I learned its pretty hard to get anything out of therapy if you’re not consistent. I learned that avoidance takes active effort to combat and that no therapist, no matter how astute, can read your mind or know what you want more than you do.