Tips for Dealing with Social Anxiety on a Date
Now that dating often means meeting complete strangers in public, more and more clients come to me looking for help coping with social anxiety on dates. Social anxiety is a specific form of anxiety that refers to a fear, discomfort, or pervasive worrying when socializing or being around other people. Typical social anxiety symptoms include worrying about how one looks while eating, or feeling so anxious that conversation can feel next to impossible. Here are some suggestions on what to do the next time you feel socially anxious on a date:
Beware Your Thoughts—They are Not Fact
Social anxiety is driven by our thoughts. Thoughts like “I sound stupid”, ” I’m awkward” or “They’re not going to like me.” These thoughts inhibit good risk taking behaviors and suffocate personality. It’s really hard to be yourself—even your “first date” self, when your brain is shouting mean things to yourself, about yourself. Step one: notice your thoughts and vow to silence them as best you can while on your date.
Focus on the Other Person
It sounds simple but active listening is harder than it seems. If you’re experiencing anxiety and having trouble shutting down negative thoughts try to focus intently on what your date is saying. Notice how they carry themselves, how they’re dressed, or any interesting idiosyncrasies in their behavior. When we focus on someone else we ultimately find something that interests us, which in turn spurns connection.
Don’t Think About the Future Just Yet
People who struggle with social anxiety while dating often become distracted during dates thinking about the probability of a second. Ruminating about what the other person may or may not do is futile. As soon as you start noticing these thoughts redirect to focusing on what is happening in front of you. With the goal of remaining present, put your phone away. Try other simple actions like taking time to notice your surroundings. If you’re in a restaurant, what is the decor like? What does the food taste like in your mouth? Noticing what’s happening in the here and now keeps you in the present and ultimately will help you redirect your attention to your date.
Tell the Other Person You’re Nervous
Leading with vulnerability is one of the easiest ways to soothe any tension real or imagined. Very few people feel NO anxiety on dates. Some nervousness is normal and should be expected—it speaks to our humanity rather than to weakness. Tell your date you’re nervous and see what happens. Social anxiety is common and talking about it helps people connect.
Overwhelmed? The Bathroom is Your Friend
If your social anxiety is causing physical symptoms or simply becoming overwhelming, respite awaits in the bathroom. If you’re sweating for example, take some deep breaths and utilize the hand dryer. Deep breathing is one of the best ways to regulate your temperature and heart rate and will immediately bring some relief. Once you’re calmer, remind yourself that the worst has passed and all that’s left is some food and a conversation. Remember to take the pressure off of yourself. The ultimate goal of dating is to connect, and it is difficult to connect when feeling internal or external pressure.