How to Cope with a Chronic Fear of Abandonment

Do you strategize about how to keep your partner close? Do you feel anxious when things are going well? Over-analyze your partner’s behavior to the extent that it makes it hard to feel present in your relationship?

The above may indicate an anxious attachment style though many people with “secure” attachments and even avoidant attachment styles experience abandonment anxiety associated with closeness and intimacy. If you overthink, contemplate disaster, and feel anxious in relationships, it’s likely that what you are actually fearing is loss. Intense fear of loss and separation is often associated with a history of neglect and/or abuse in childhood. Even if your experience does not include a history of trauma however, it is likely that you are familiar with the gut-wrenching dread that comes when we feel rejected or abandoned.

In the early stages of a relationship ambiguity can easily be interpreted negatively. Fear of abandonment involves thinking the worst. Rather than imagining a relationship growing closer and more fulfilling, people who fear abandonment contemplate all the ways their attachment to their partner could be destroyed.

In working with many folks with anxious attachment styles, I have compiled a list of some of my go-to coping responses when feeling anxious in relationships.

Learn to Regulate Yourself

This is one of the most powerful tools for handling anxiety in general, and I have found it particularly helpful to remind clients to do this when feeling anxious in relationships because the go-to is often to approach your partner for reassurance. Before doing so, ask yourself what you can do to regulate your anxious response in the moment. Go for a walk, call or text a friend, exercise, anything to help distract you from ruminating and doing something impulsive.

Own Your Feelings as Your Own, Rather Than Projecting

It’s easy to assume that our partners are feeling the same way we are and often that can propel feelings of anxiety and discomfort. Many of the couples I see in therapy project their emotions on each other without realizing it. If one partner is feeling anxious in the relationship it is common for that partner to accuse the other of being non-committal or distant. “I’m feeling anxious” translates to “You are trying to leave me.” Accusations breed defensiveness, which breeds conflict. Understand that your emotions are valid, and while you may not be alone in experiencing them, your partner is not responsible for your emotional well-being. Your partner is responsible for regulating their own emotions which will hopefully result in treating you with care and consideration.

Imagine the “Worst-Case” Scenario

Often the worst case scenario I hear from people is “I would lose my partner” or “we would break up.” Truthfully however most of us have gone though a breakup, or experienced a loss, and got through it with the support of people in our lives. For a moment, picture what life would be like without your partner. Where would you live? How would you spend your time? What would you do? How would you feel? Construct a narrative around the possibility. Did the world end or did you cease to exist? Probably not. Remember, there is a difference between imagining the worst case scenario intentionally and ruminating. The goal here is to be as realistic as possible and then remind yourself that the worst case scenario does not have to equate to doom and most importantly, that you are capable of surviving it.

Talk to Your Partner and Get the Response You Want

One of the best ways to cope with fear of abandonment is to have an open conversation with your partner. It is vitally important that you understand your intention in broaching the subject, as well as contemplate your expectations before you do. It is not appropriate to expect your partner to respond the way, say, a therapist might. Think about what you are hoping to gain from this conversation. If you are looking for reassurance, be explicit in requesting that from time to time you need to be reminded that your relationship is on steady ground. If it is emotional connection, provide positive feedback when your partner is open and vulnerable. It’s also okay to not expect or even hope for a particular response. Sometimes it feels comforting enough to verbalize anxiety and move on.