What To Do When They're Not Texting You Back

Is your partner busy? or avoidant?

We’re all familiar with the specific anxiety of waiting for a text or a call. The intensity of the anxiety is always proportional to how much we like the other person, and why does it always seem to be the slippery ones that hold our attention most aptly? The crush, date, or partner whose interest in us seems ambiguous is also the same person we want the most. But what if you feel simultaneously secure in the relationship as you do anxious? While you’re frustrated with the communication style of your relationship/situationship partner, you also feel with almost eerie certainty that they are into you, maybe even more than you are into them.

Your confidence, or maybe a better word would be trust, is not delusional. Maybe this person tells you things that you haven’t heard from others; that you’re special. More importantly, you’re special to them. Maybe you share a strong connection with this person that manifests in great sex, feeling safe, or simply having a lot to talk about. These factors are indications that things are going well, so when your partner pulls back, it’s only sensible to question what you are doing wrong rather than question their interest or commitment.

We’re all familiar with the (gendered) cliches around men. “If they want to, they will” for example, is one. An entire episode of Sex and the City and romantic comedy “He’s Just Not That Into You” is based the idea that men are more simple than women assume they are, and that when they want to commit to a relationship, they will do so with gusto. Apart from the hetero-normative aspects of these pieces of media, there is truth in a dynamic that often plays out between all partners. One person is unequivocally more committed, or more interested in commitment, than the other.

To return to the method of communication of our time: texting, what do you do when you feel secure with your partner most of the time but painfully anxious the rest of the time, because your partner’s behavior drastically shifts when you’re apart? Perhaps they don’t respond to texts or calls for days, make plans and flake, or deliver promises that ultimately feel empty. Barring blatant manipulation and lying which eventually will become clear, it is likely that your partner wants closeness and commitment sometimes. The rest of the time what they want, or what they are likely familiar with, is distance. The dance between a so called “anxious” partner and “avoidant” partner is illustrated in depth in “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Ultimately, Levine and Heller argue, unless an avoidant partner experiences some kind of life altering change or epiphany, they will always be limited by their capacity for closeness. The implication? That the anxious partner accepts these limitations or leaves the relationship to search for a secure partner. Avoidant people have quite a poor reputation in self-help and relationship books, and for logical reasons. Categorizing an avoidant person as all-avoidant or totally detached, however, misses what makes relationships with these folks feel so confusing.

If you feel both secure and anxious in your relationship, consider how much you are willing to give to this relationship, as well as consider how much you have already. If someone is ignoring your messages, it is likely they are doing so for a reason. Perhaps their inclination is to withdraw as you get closer, and if their behavior follows this pattern, it is likely they are avoidant. Consider now how prevalent this behavior has been—if someone has showed avoidance consistently and from the beginning of a relationship, likely the behavior will endure. If, for example, your partner who is “bad at texting” also has traveled with you, showed consistent thoughtfulness, and demonstrated actions that make you feel secure and appreciated, there may be room for growth and change.

What “to do” if your partner ignores messages or calls? Remain curious, but remember to interpret actions literally and communications with more nuance. If someone is attempting to show you who they are or what they are capable of right now, take it at face value.