How to Find Motivation

Recently I was talking to a client who admitted he didn’t have the motivation anymore to do much of anything.

“I guess I just don’t want to” he said, somewhat sheepishly. “Sometimes I think I’m comfortable being depressed.”

The sentiment did not surprise me because I’ve it heard before, many times actually, from clients in my private practice and at the mental health clinic I used to work for. When people utter this statement or something similar they tend to assume that nobody else has ever felt the same way, or that even me, their therapist, would judge them for it.

For my client, his lack of motivation was mostly tied to depression. His perception was that nothing mattered and that if he tried, nothing would change. When something external pushed him to get out of his comfort zone however, he did. And he always felt better. The problem was he continuously had to be pushed to do things that ultimately made him feel better because it was a lot easier to stay home and not do much. In a sense he had become lazy because he had developed bad habits as a result of depression, not because of some character trait that he was born with, as he alluded to in previous sessions.

Lazy is a bit of a taboo word in therapy where really, there should be no taboo-anything. No therapist is ever supposed to call anyone, much less their clients, lazy, and in fact we aren’t supposed to buy into the idea with our clients that there is even such thing as laziness. At least that’s what I’ve gathered from years of practice myself and hearing about other therapists from my clients and from my colleagues. I started to think about this—why do we ignore the question: “Am I lazy or am I depressed?”

Likely we ignore discussing laziness for fear of offending clients or propagating shame. ‘Lazy’ is a hurtful description because it insinuates something is bad or wrong at the character level. There is a moral implication to calling someone lazy because laziness and selfishness are related traits. People don’t say “I did lazy” and they rarely say “my behavior is lazy.” It’s usually “I’m lazy.” Maybe sometimes “I feel lazy.” Laziness becomes a death sentence and also a fulfilling prophecy. Once someone has labeled you lazy it’s hard to prove to them or yourself otherwise because no one can be productive 100% or even most of the time. Therapists generally do not want to reinforce a belief that is incorrect, self-shaming, or that perpetuates a behavior someone is trying to stop engaging in. Unfortunately what this can do is make clients in therapy feel even more alienated. If someone does feel lazy, why argue with them that they’re not engaging in lazy habits? For my client, his habits were spurned by depressive episodes but they were maintained for years at a time, during periods when he was not feeling depressed. He had learned certain habits, though of course they did not define him. Once we were able to identify those habits, then we could start talking about how he could change them.

So how does one find motivation again?

Our behaviors are directly tied to the neurological network that is associated with reward, which is why addiction takes such an intense toll for many people. Even if you are struggling with motivation in more than one area of your life, there are daily activities that involve motivation that you do every day. First, identify what those activities are. Maybe you’re motivated to take a shower every day and wash your hair; what would be another step you could take in on personal hygiene that could also double as a self care exercise? Maybe you’re motivated to see your friends but not to work. Maybe it’s time to forge closer relationships at work, or if its the work you don’t like, asking to be moved to a different project or exploring something new altogether. Maybe you don’t feel motivated to do much of anything other than sleeping. What is one thing you used to look forward to that you don’t do anymore? Maybe it’s making yourself a cup of coffee or buying one at a cafe. Or taking a walk, or texting a friend, or exercising. Until you experience the reward associated with those activities, you won’t be motivated to do them, which is where will comes in. Doing those things won’t feel good until they do.

The concept of “finding motivation” is therefore non-sensical. Motivation has to be cultivated, and the only way to do that is through changing our behavior.